Emotions

My partner in crime.

Why do we always let our emotions get the best of us? Why can't we just go on with life without all the emotional baggage that we tend to carry around with us?

That is a great question. I know that God wired us all differently when we handle certain situations and how we go about expressing ourselves is another thing.

So with what is going on with Dale and his arm injury, it has taken a toll on me. He feels worthless, like he's a burden. I keep reminding him that HE'S not one. That this is what God would have wanted me to do. 

So I tend to try and keep everything all together, and pretend that everything is fine. But in the long run it's not. I am human and I make plenty of mistakes. My poor best friend. I can't believe she's still with me. If I were her and I would have left me a long time ago. But she hasn't not yet.

I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting to mess up one more time then BAM!!! No more, because she can't handle my stress. I am trying to learn to compartmentalize things. 

You ask HOW AM I DOING on that? I would say FAIL, FAIL, FAIL every time.

I am also thankful for new friendships, she's a sweet one. We have only known each other less than a month. She too is there for me as well. Feels weird but great at the same time.

Learning to branch out and trust others that don't nothing about me and my past, emotional drama. There are like a certain few I can be myself around. Some others tend to judge me based on my weirdness. BAHAHAH.

But with that being said. Our emotions are OK, but we can't just sit in them and wallow when we feel discouraged, rejected, depressed, hurt or even angry. We need to learn to look up to the one who knows our heart the most.

He is the one who can bring the closeness, healing and comforts to us. ME INCLUDED. I am saying this for myself. Because I tend to have more and more emotional breakdowns. Trying to I guess do things on my own strength and not realizing that God hasn't gone anywhere, HE'S just waiting for me to HAND over the reigns once again to him.

I lost count on how many times I am having to hand them over. I just know HE'S not once left me, WITH my flaws and all. He loves me so much that he's going to be there, holding me till I can be put down and walk and he walk besides me. 

In his eyes, I am flawless, I am worthy of his love, I blameless, I am free from all the condemnation, judgment and rejection. Yes its good to have fellowship with others. But lately I am trying to protect my heart. God is the one that can fill any void I may have. I long to be accepted. That I tend to compare myself with others and their journey toward a great friendship, then I get jealous when I thought we were close then I see them growing closer. 

Something I dislike very much. MY MIND tends to play games, tries to convince me otherwise that I am better off alone.

God you are faithful beyond words, You are ALWAYS there for me, taking care and providing for our needs. I am so thankful for an amazing father who tends to his sheep.

Lord beyond my flaws, I am asking that you make me more and more like you. Help my emotions to be in tact, Help me to know fully and clearly that YOU are SOVEREIGN and that with YOU I CAN DO ALL THINGS. 

Psalms 91

You have me hidden under your wings, You are protecting me and watching over me. Nothing can come near when I am under your protection.

You are amazing, 

Jesus is going to be getting the REIGNS back AGaIN.

Somethings are not in our control....

God I am your daughter and chosen!!

As I am sitting here and pondering things. I am reminded that I serve an amazing God.

Right now we are going through a lot of things and I know that God's word says in Philippians 4:13 that we CAN do ALL things Through Christ who Gives us strength.

I am still recovering from being sick and trying to get back on schedule with work, not to mention vehicle drama and now my poor husbands injured shoulder.

I know that God has destined me to be a nurturer and I wouldn't give it up. But there are days when I am feeling exhausted and just want to crawl in a hole and sleep. But I know that I can't. I have been serving my husband and taking care of his needs while he's not able to.

I learn from the best. My grandma did that for years with my Grandpa and she not once complained, she was the best caretaker, Maybe that was why I wanted to be a caregiver was because I had the best role model growing up. Not to mention my mom was always there too. Never complained or wished she could take the day off.

We as wives never get a day off. Right now we are in the for sickness or health part. Yes there are trying times where I just want to say FORGET IT, but then I remember my Heavenly Father not once has done that with me.

I know that my strength doesn't come from no other than Christ. I find great joy taking care and loving on others.

I was told once that I have the biggest heart and that TO NOT change. Because that is one of the best things about me. I care about people. Like Jesus does. If that means I am being more and more like him. Then I must be doing something right.

Word of Wisdom. YOUR not ALONE. Don't GIVE UP!!!

No Room This is a sweet song. Kind of where I am walking and the lyrics is pretty much on where I am with God. Listen to it. You will find encouragement in it.

Anxiety is terrible but with God I am an Overcomer

   For along time as far as back as I can remember I have always had anxiety. Never really got help, thought that I was too weak and that I could handle and control it.

I however apparently didn't do a good enough job of it. Some of you who don't suffer from it awesomeness. But I really didn't have it that bad up till recently. We had followed what we thought was God's leading to Texas to be Youth Pastor's to an amazing church whom I miss to this very day.

Leading up to that point ya my anxiety was at an all time high reasons are:

• Our place never sold
• Riding in a Budget Truck for over 20+ hours with two dogs, Micah and no room to spare.
• Leaving what was comfortable and routine to somewhere we have never been. Giving up our jobs, families, church, school, friends...You name it.
• Getting settled in a different place, trying to figure out where things were and getting used to the life styles there.

I thought it was normal to feel like that. But I did realize when things happened with others it got worse, and didn't have health insurance and couldn't afford the meds. NO free clinics.

What happened to cause it to REALLY raise high. We attended a Youth Camp with some of the youth and some of the students were not happy with the accommodations or the staff. We tried to make it less stressful as we could but we were doing something right.

It got back to the parents and pretty much in their eyes we weren't fit to be youth pastors. There had been talk that we were brought down to soon. We had grown attached to the students and the families there. Finding out that after only 10 months of being there that it wasn't working out and we had to move back.

Add MORE anxiety and stress. So we packed up and we were on our way back. But the thing was we couldn't move right back into our old place because of the damage and destruction that had taken place with residents that were living here. NO they didn't pay a deposit. BIG MISTAKE my sweet sister and her family put us up for however long we needed. THEY didn't complain it was nice that we were there.

MORE anxiety and stress. But we finally got our home back. I am not proud of this. But while in Texas beings I tried to get jobs NOT one hired me so we were pretty much pinching pennies and trying to make our living some what accessible. So I applied for the benefits and apparently I had made a goof up and it took them a YEAR to get into contact with me.

So a DHS investigator said I lied on my phone interview and on the application. Of course I go into panic mode and had asked if I was going to JAIL. Of course she wasn't going to say anything. She just said I can't tell you that. So then BAM!!!!!!! My ANXIETY(fear) decided to hold me prisoner for over a year.

But I went to see a specialist and for awhile I was pretty much trying to read as much scripture, encouraging things on FB to try and find some reassurance NOTHING seemed to be working. Even after being told numerous times that IT WASN'T going to happen.

Skip to present day:
I look back and YES I was a mess, I am still trying to overcome this part of my life. My friends have been a big support for me and have always been there trying to help me move forward. My husband has been such a trooper and I am super happy that he's stuck by me. My relationship with God has gone to a whole new level. Still trying to get more closer. Sometimes there are distractions but I know that God is always there. HE'S what has gotten me through my darkest moments.

I have some new verses that I love now. Isaiah 43:18
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. 19) I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

This verse had gotten me through a lot during that time.
Romans 8:28
I am assured that ALL things are working together for my good.

Psalm 36:7
How priceless is your unfailing love, OH GOD!!!!! People take refuge in the shadow of your wings.

That's just a few of the verses there are others that I have written down. But God has been through my deepest moments, HE foresaw this and yet he still remained by my side each moment.

The Footprints in the sand is what gets me every time. Because it hits home to me.
I just want to leave you with this. WE all have our issues and things we need to overcome. Just know YOU don't have to do it alone. You have GOD. Also get a mentor or accountability partner they will be there to encourage with you and pray with you.

God bless. I hope this has touched you some how and maybe you can share with your friends. God is all powerful and Almighty. His promises are yes and amen. HE WILL NEVER LEAVE NOR FORSAKE you.

Being a Mother

Being a mother isn't always an easy thing. If I look back to when I became a mother I would say that I can do this. I still can. But now that our son is almost 13 I am like. Can't I go back to when he was a baby?

I have noticed a lot of personality from him and sometimes its enjoying to see him become his own person. But like today I had to play the MEAN MOM card.

On our way home from church a kid from church was being a bit ornery to Micah I didn't this out to later that he wasn't being very nice to him. At the time I didn't know what  and why he was not responding and being very disrespectful. I was just making normal conversation and HE didn't want to have anything to do with me.

His dad finally said "Your MOTHER IS talking to you." He's like I HAVE RIGHTS and I DON'T want to answer. SO the whole way home I finally said FINE, You can lose privileges for being disrespectful. 

SO I played the MEAN MOM took away his lifelines. TV and TABLET. Now don't get me wrong HE'S a good kid. Just needs some redirecting from time to time. SO do we as adults and Christians.

IN church we are learning to TRUST and rely more on GOD and that we are NEVER ALONE. As we age we feel like we are at times.

Even if we have mentors or special friends. OUR lives get busy and sometimes we forget about the ones we love.

I know that GOD will never ever forget about us. Jeremiah 29:11 is an amazing verse I always go back to, because it talks about how God knows the plans he has for us. To give us a hope and a future.

I am so thankful for an amazing Father who wants nothing more than to be close to me and I have to remember I AM NOT PERFECT. I can't always have it all together.

Things have been changing a lot for me this past year and I see that the hand of GOD has always and always will be in and on my life. I just need to trust him and those that he puts in my life.

I love being a mother to an amazing soon to be teenager. I am learning to be patient and offer more grace each day. Does that mean I should give in and let him have his things back even when he needs to learn to communicate without the attitudes and this ITS MY RIGHT thing?

I do offer him grace and I also love him enough to discipline and raise him the way God would like me too.

SO if you are reading this, KNOW that you are not a failure and know that no matter what your facing. JESUS loves you and always want to be near his children and will always be there to offer you that same grace and forgiveness. NOTHING and NO ONE will take him and his love from  you.

Judgements

Do you ever have the feeling that your being judged by others? Or feeling small?

Well I have, and still am. Its like no matter how hard I try to be myself, I am ridiculed or judged on how I am doing things. I believe I am old enough to make my own decisions, I am not stupid, so stop treating me like I am. I am not perfect and sometimes I may say or do things that I don't mean to. YES, I may from time to time stick my foot in my mouth (not literally speaking). I tried to apologize and you making me feel smaller than I already am, ISN'T helping. I already don't feel like I have a place in the ministry and having someone tell me what to do, or having others making me feel more like crap isn't helping either. I know I have a long ways to go in changing, but I am not going to change over night. Can't wait to have just a moment to myself where I can let God in and just let him love on me, I thought church was supposed to be a safe place. I feel as though its a place of cliques, favortisms and ignorance. I sometimes feel discouraged, wondering if I am even supposed to be in the ministry I am in. I just don't know where I belong anymore! God please speak to my hurt heart and just give me wisdom in the next step of my life.

Marriage is a Sacred Union

When I say that marriage is a sacred union, I mean it be between a man and a woman. I have experienced my shares of let downs of having high expectations in my marriage. How I should be treated or how things should go. It wasn't until Pastor Larry's sermons on conflict that it brought it to my attention that I won't have that perfect marriage, and a lot of us don't. The thing that is important is that we include God in our marriage ALWAYS....I am going to get transparent here, I have come from a broken home, and seeing my parents never get along and seeing my mother always cry and hide and push away those that love her, did something to me. I have noticed that when I am hurt I tend to do the same thing. My husband and I have been married will be 13 years this August and we have been through our shares of fights, disagreements, sorrows, happiness, laughter, adventures and many other experiences. God has something major in store for not only he and I, for Micah as well. Sometimes the things that set us off are petty things, well Monday we had a disagreement on how to punish our son for his behavior in school, it could have been dealt with in a calm matter but there were voices raised and luckily Micah was outside when all this was taken place. I don't say this to brag about our fight, I say this because the enemy tried to divide our family and break that cord that is being held together by God and the enemy doesn't want us to succeed and he's not happy that we have some awesome things in store. It wasn't until that night late that I realized that it is what it was. An attack. 
       I want to encourage married couples out there to be on guard, because God has something for all of us and he wants us to be happy, the enemy clearly doesn't, why do you think he's' trying so hard to bring destruction? Because he doesn't want us to go forward into the kingdom. The thing that ticked me off about this, was that our son who's nine was being used as the pawn and I didn't realize that till a dear friend pointed that out to me today. That was when I figured you know what, I am not going to give the enemy that kind of satisfaction, So I texted my husband and apologized even though I didn't feel I was wrong, I want there to be peace in our home, I am getting tired of allowing the enemy to win.
   My point to all this is to pray, don't give up, NO Matter what, now if your in a dangerous marriage or situation then you need to get out. But I am talking about those that are going through a spiritual war/fight, its not us that we are fighting with, its the darkness that we have some how managed to allow in our lives. I want to encourage you that, it will get better, I know that it won't be over night, but I know with prayer and support from others, it will. I just don't want to have a marriage like my parents had. I want our son to feel safe and secure and not have to grow up wondering if his mommy or daddy are going to fight, or leave and never come back. THAT will never happen, for a few days yes, but not to the point where we aren't going to be here. It is ok to get out and clear your heads, its not ok to leave without explanation, when all said and done, There needs to be forgiveness. My motto is if God could send his son down here to be beaten, flogged and mocked and then die for me and my sins. Then I can forgive, God gives me grace EVERY single day, Especially when I don't deserve it. That is why God loves us, James 4:6 says "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." It's in our humility that he gives us grace. I will admit, I am very prideful in areas. I don't want to be, i want to be humble and say no matter what God I want to always do the right thing. Forgiveness and Grace are two factors in a marriage. Don't EVER EVER go to bed upset or angry, I want to tell from experience it doesn't feel well waking up and feeling remorseful and upset. I am one to admit I tend to hang onto grudges, I am doing better at that. I want to be who God designed me to be and that is a forgiving person and a person who can offer grace no matter the circumstances.

The Light of Jesus will pierce the Darkness

I am sitting  here reading God's word and a lot of what I am reading is lining  up with what's going on around us. I didn't know how to blog or write this, but I chose to say The Light of Jesus will pierce the darkness. You read many times in the bible the light and how God will pierce through the darkness. We as a nation are surrounded by it, WE don't have to be. WE as Christians need to stand up and pray and intercede, the enemy is trying SO hard to rear his ugly head, but I know the truth, I k now that in the end he's lost and already has, God has already defeated him. I was reading today, that we can't be listening to false preachings and those who are trying to say other things that AREN'T God breathed. We need to be alert and aware even more then before. Now is the time to stand up and take back what is rightfully ours and that is God's inheritance WE are God's INHERITANCE. So many times we have forgotten that and have allowed the worldly things get in our way of that. We need to not be complacent with this world. I have said it before and I am going to say it again, THIS WORLD IS NOT OUR HOME. We are just visitors and we need to focus on the real purpose we are here. I must admit my flesh has been getting in the way of the real reason I am here. I am here to serve my Father and to teach my son that same thing. But the thing with him is HE already knew that. I was in Aldi's the other day with his father doing our grocery shopping and we were talking about how much things are and he brought up the subject you can't sell me, I SAID UH NOPE, You are priceless. He said that no one will buy me, he said that Jesus already has, or something like he is already Jesus's. You have no idea on how that warms me up inside to hear my son say that He belongs to Jesus. That right there is what God wants to hear from us. He wants to hear his children say that, he wants to hear us say that and not be ashamed or foolish. Heck yes I will admitt, I am not perfect I sometimes feel stupid for saying stuff like that, But My son isn't ashamed or to proud to say it. HE KNOWS where he came from. That is God's inheritance. God just wants us to show him that we aren't to proud to proclaim him and love him. I was reminded in a prayer group that GOD IS A JEALOUS GOD, He wants more and more and more of us, He wants us to stop letting things get in the way of his love and wants us to spend time with him. I figure if he can give us free will, I will CHOOSE him. WHY wouldn't I? AFTER all he's done for me and my family, I can't think of a better way to say thank you. He wants us to show him that we really really want him, HE wants his bride all for himself. He isn't all about sharing, we have allowed the things of this world take the place of his love and his time. WE need to always be praying, interceding and spending time with him. He longs for us, he wants that. He doesn't want us to wander off and let things that aren't good for us to invade his territory ;) No but in all reality He just wants us. He accepted us with ALL flaws, He's not going to say, nope sorry your broken, nope you have issues. NO HE already took care of that the day his son went to the cross. YES we are human, but God is always working in each of us if we just let him. I am not going to lie, IT'S not going to easy, but then did he ever say it would be? WHO ARE YOU GOING TO SERVE? MAN OR GOD? I am proclaiming right now I AM GOING TO SERVE GOD. Because I know where I am going to spend the rest of my life after this life is done.

Accountablility

As I was taking my soon to be nine year old to school this morning, I had asked him if he had his shoes in his bag, We live in Iowa and got snow and he was all bundled up. He had his boots. He then informed me that no he didn't put his shoes in his bag, I had him get Everything rounded up and ready for school the night before. I told him that it's his responsibility to remember that. Well it makes me think the same thing as Christians. It's no one's responsibility but ours to read the word of GOD and to get to know him more and more, it's our responsibility to walk a Godly life and to not be complacement with the world. I have realized that I have for the longest time that I cared about what others thought if I witnessed a certain way, or if I was even making an impact on people. My whole goal is to please my GOD and if I am not then it's my responsibility to make sure I am. I can have accountability partners but they can't always make sure I am doing what I am supposed to do. I need to make sure I am the one who is doing what God has called me to do. I want to be a GOD changer and chaser, I don't want to sit back and just watch someone else get the blessing when I can be doing something about it. I want to change the world, I want to see lives changed. Sitting by and letting someone else isn't my way of changing it. I want to teach my son that it's ok to be different and that GOD loves us the way we are. I learned something recently that there is only one me, and that there are things that others can do that I can't or wasn't meant to do, and vice versa. My identity is in GOD and GOD alone. He knew what he was doing when he formed me. Psalm 139:13 says that he formed me in my mother's womb before she even knew I was in existance and he knew me before she did. That verse will get me every time, because he had me created for a reason. I have a purpose on earth and my purpose is to work for him and to change lives for him. I am responsible for myself, but I am mainly responsible and held accountable for what I do here on earth. When I am not doing what I was called to do, then I know that I need to change and do what I was supposed to do.

It's time to wake up.

It's New Years and I promised God that I would spend more time with him and read what he wants me to see. Today as I was reading the word, I normally read a Proverbs a day and then either the New Testament or Old Testament, I decided to read Isaiah and it's pretty much saying the exact same thing as my Proverb of the day. People it's time to wake up and stop being lazy. God isn't playing anymore, we have gone on long enough not doing what we were called here on this planet to do. That is to win his souls, People we are on borrowed time, WE need to stop messing around and stop thinking that we don't have what it takes to stand up and take back what is rightfully ours. God isn't impressed with how we have just laid back and let the enemy win. If I remember correctly, HE HAS and WILL be defeated. SO why are we just letting him win? Why are we so afraid? Because in the word it says multiple times that there is no fear when you are in God, God is our refuge, our strength is in him. We are to ride up on wings like an eagle. We aren't to be complacent in this world, this world isn't our home and it's like we as christians have given up. WE NEED TO STOP LETTING THE DEVIL WIN. We need to take back what he has taken from us. God's not playing around and he's getting tired of waiting and holding off. What is it going to take for us to realize that he's the Almighty GOD and that he is powerful and that we don't have to lay back and just wait to die? We have eternity and a better home and we need to listen and stop ignoring his calling. There are so many people that are dying that don't even know him and they are going to hell because we are to afraid to witness. It's our duty as Christians to get those souls and win them, If I remember correctly we are sinners every day, but we have eternity, we have a way out. Jesus didn't just go to the cross just for us, HE went FOR ALL. and we need to stop blaming things on others. We need to take responsibility and be held accountable. Our nation is hurting right now and she's dying unless we stand up and fight for her. Jesus's return is so so so close and just because it's the New Year doesn't mean we repeat what we've been doing. I personally am done being angry, hurt, rejected. Because in the end God is the one I want to stand out for. I am tired of trying to be a person of the style or clique. I want to shine for Jesus, yes I know I may fall but I will get back up and continue. But if you want to sit back and watch this world die, Be my guest, BUT I WANT to fight for her and the ones that Jesus died for. You may say, WELL they don't deserve it, they chose to live that way, they chose to live the lives that they are living, YES you are right, BUT if we don't do anything to witness or be used or sit back and talk and judge then what right do we have? When Jesus died on the cross, he didn't say, well I will die for those that are really serious about me. NO he died saying FORGIVE THEM FATHER FOR THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY ARE DOING. His grace is sufficient and none of us deserve it. But he loves us ALL. I just want to be used and I am tired of just sitting by and seeing this world go to hell, I want to win as many as I can for him, I am tired of keeping quiet. I am a spokesperson for Jesus and I am not going to let some stupid devil keep me quiet. Because GOD is going to use me.

Seasons in my Life

I don't know about you, but I have had many seasons in my life that are great and not so great, not so fun, but God said that they never would be, I just trust in Him that He knows what He's doing. I am a full time college student, also a wife, mother, friend and cashier....To think that I can do this, I am like are you nuts????LOL but God wouldn't have me go through this process, if He didn't think I could do it! I have been in school almost a month, and there isn't a day that doesn't go by that i am not thankful for Him and His presence in my days, Every time I wake up and get ready, I am tired and just want to sleep, I tell Jesus first and foremost, good morning, and I then let Him know He is welcomed in my day, and to give me strength and understanding to do what it is I need to do! I have a Pre Algebra test tomorrow, which I am really nervous about, Yes its a test, We all get tested in life, I studied, and still am studying, and I know because I have studied and am prepared that I will do fine, But in life its not that simple, you yes have to sometimes have to be prepared, but sometimes Jesus just pops some up on you and you have the choice to either Pray and ask Him to show you and direct you where you need to go, or you just pray that you pass, We all need to be prepared, either in a class setting or in life! Don't always assume that your going to get it the first time, trust me I know, I have had a mountain, that i have finally stepped over and not looking back, plenty of times! To many to count! I was told by a great friend that you vent, you talk about it till your healed! She's right! So in conclusion just don't ever doubt where you are, God has reasons why your going through the things your going through!

Disconnected

Lately I have been feeling so disconnected from people,from life and most of all from GOD, I don't know what it is, I just feel as though, i am going on auto pilot and I am just going with the motions, and all the while, i am just seeing things flash before me! GOD is this a test, are you taking me thru another season in my life? I know that it was coming and I knew things were starting to shift, i just didn't realize it was going to happen this quickly, Father I don't know whats going on, I feel as though I am not as close to as i would like to be, Is that because Your taking me thru another season in you? I don't want to be away from you, you have been my only #1 constant in my life, your the only one who has kept me safe and sane, Father with out you I can do nothing, Without you I am nothing, SO I ask, What is going on? Why Am I feeling this way? I am sorry if I had put things ahead of you, or allowed my life and busyness get in the way, I want to be closer to you, i want to have a one on one time with you, I miss our times together, I miss feeling you next to me, I miss your heart beating! I miss sensing you day in and day out! Please don't leave me, I know that you wouldn't you promised me that you wouldn't! Why am i feeling this sense of over whelming take place? I am so anxious and nervous about unneccessary things, And I can't for the life of me shake this feeling, So please I ask you to shed some light on this, Because I am tired of not knowing whats happening, I know that Its al in your hands, and that you have it in control, I am trusting you with all that I am and all that I have!!! Theres days that I don't even feel like me some days! Its like I am just going with the emotions, I don't want to live another day with out your security and knowing that your my life and my salvation! I miss you Jesus, Father GOD Daddy! you have helped me so much these past few weeks, you have stretched me and taught me that things are going to work out if i were to trust you, WEll I am trusting you all the way, WHY should I have to carry on alone, When you want to take my worries,frustrations, anxieties and just carry them off of me! I release this all to you this time and day! I don't want ot feel disconnected from you anymore! I want to sense you, feel you, Love hearing you talk to me! your my best friend! I don't know what I would do with out you! you get me, and understand me, I am tired of trying to prove to others I am worthy enough to be a part of there crowd and group, I know that you already have! I am no longer going to concern myself with people like that anymore, Its you and me all the way Jesus! My heart and soul cries out and belongs to you! Show me a way to love others the way you want me to, Show me love thru you the way you see me! I want to live for you and I want to die with self! I know its not easy and I know its painful, but GOD your pruning me and getting me ready! I love you Jesus, Your my sweet best friend! I will never be ashamed to proclaim it! you have done so much for us, Why would i? Hear my heart cry! Hear me tel you over and over that I can't live with out you, i can't breathe with out you, My soul is ever thirsty and hungry for more and more! I want my cup to fill and fill and runneth over! Please wrap your arms around me and never ever let me go!

CONFIDENCE

Why is it so hard to be confident? Why is it a struggle to know that when you give yourself to GOD that you will know that in and thru Him your more confident then when you were? Because we allow the enemy to steal that from us, Lately I have been regaining mine back from for so long by allowing GOD to guide me and show me in what areas I need to change and fix, i know its not been perfect, But GOD has been helping me regain that! I know this is odd, But I have been wanting to do my hair and makeup because that is what makes me more confident, I am happy with who GOD designed and created me to be, But I want to look even more confident and if that means doing my hair and make up, well Hey that is awesome, I know that GOD doesn't look at the outer appearance but he looks at the inner part of me, But He loves me anyway. I just started reading A Confident Heart, and its not going to be easy, but I know that thru that book GOD is going to start revealing things that I need to work on! He said this journey would never be easy, but when we have our eyes on HIM, its going to be less complicated, then doing it with out his guidance! Its awesome knowing that He holds my every tear and my every dream and desire, to know that when the time is right He in HIS time will reveal it to me! Its like I am going on auto pilot some days, but in all reality I am not, He doesn't want to reveal what HE's doing all at once, He did that once and lets just say I couldn't physically handle it, SO He's going to start slow! He is an amazing GOD, I am so honored that I serve a GOD like HIM and that He is the one I always tend to run to! Lately I have been concerned with what my friends thought about me or how I looked, or what group i was with, Well Not any longer, Like the verse says Romans 12:2 Do not conform any longer to the Pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. then you will be able to test and approve what GOd's will is his good,pleasing and perfect will. I am starting to understand that, and to see that I no longer need to worry myself or my life with this, I need to just focus on what He's going to be doing in me, and who the people I come in contact with, He has me on a new path and a new season, and I don't need people to fulfill me any longer, yes the fellowship is nice having that relationship is nice, BUT the fulfillment and the approval is all I need and I am looking to my Heavenly Father for that. Its not going to be easy every day I may fall off but I know what to do when that happens,Cry out to GOD and ask for his help, He is my Shelter in a storm, and He protects me from the things of this world!Trust has always been an issue, BUT I know that when I fully and I mean fully release things over to HIM he can take me on a higher level then I have ever been on!

Beautiful

I am so thankful for the Beauty that GOD has for me, I never lack in the things around me, The sky is like a canvas for Him to paint on, Everytime I look in the sky I am always amazed at how wonderful HE is, I think He just paints the sky just for me! I am just amazed how Much HE really really loves me, It took me walking away from a friendship to realize that! I love that I can open HIS word and just getting a piece of him, I can be closer to HIS heart that way, His love letter for me is awesome! The cares of this world and the people never stack up to what GOD is. He wants me, and not my abilities and not my talents, HE wants ME! As I am sitting here Pondering things, He just wants me to have an open and receiving heart for HIS unfailing LOVE, SOMETIMES I wonder what HE's doing, but that isn't for me to worry or concern myself, but to trust the process is a good thing! And to enjoy the ride! I look back on where I have been and where I was, and I can't believe that thru all that GOD is still pulling me thru, I am not done with this race, and I am continuesly trusting in HIM to get me thru! ITS not been an easy one, I have to had let some friendships go because that season was over, and I am in a new season! I am not hurt anymore or angry, just relieved that I don't have to struggle with trying to make them happy!That I can move forward in this thing called Life and be continueing my healing! 2Corinthians 3:17 Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is Freedom! I am choosing to be free from all things in my life, I am choosing to let things go, I am choosing to Grow UP in GOD and move on! I am not going to be looking back! I believe that HE has something amazing for me, I am trusting that HE knows what he's doing! Lord My heart is open and ready, so do what you may in me! I am yours!!!!

Seeking Approval from others

Why is it we are always wanting to seek approval from others? Why do we always yearn for that? I know I blogged this yesterday, But I am just curious, Why aren't we happy just knowing that GOD sees us worthy and that He sees acceptable enough? Galatians 1:10 Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of GOD? Or am I trying to please men? If i were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of GOD. This verse just gets me, Its like no matter HOW much GOD has done for us, WE are still yearning for that thing to fill the void in our lives, Things here on Earth will never be enough but our Father's Love should be more then enough, He's not left our sides, He has given us the will to choose Him or our own lives, But I have figured out that with out Him I am more incomplete and more lost then I have ever been! So why would I chose things rather then HIS love, I mean He sent His one and only Son to Hang and be beaten on the cross for me, So the least I can do is, Love HIM and choose HIM!!!! I mean I know He put things on Earth for us to enjoy, But in moderation, As long as we don't take our focus completely off of HIM, I mean think about it, Will that out fit please you, Will that Style be more important then what GOD wants, Is it really important to be a part of a cliq, and have favorites? Or is it important to love those that sometimes feel like that they don't belong? I know where I belong, and I don't need to be a part of a cliq to know where I fit in, and Who I belong to, But it is nice to have friends to talk to, to connect with, But if its going to be a problem to even try to fit in, then Why waste my time? Its like putting a square peg in a round hole, It just won't work, So why would I want to have friends like that, that don't accept and approve me flaws and all? They aren't worth my time and energy! I always wanted to be popular and fit in, But like I said yesterday, I am not meant to, I am meant to stand out, I was watching my son play at the splash pad, and I was telling my friend that, I can pick him out of a crowd any where, because he's my son, and GOD made only one of HIM, just like me GOD can pick me out of a crowd, HE made only one me, and I stand out to HIM, while I may not here, I am def. doing that in HIS sight, SO why in the world do I care so much about what people think about me? Why is it so important to me about being approved by those that clearly care less about how I am feeling and they do to a point! When all along GOD already approves of me, and He thinks more highly of me then any friend that say they are my friend, but Only out of convienence! When there other friends aren't available, I am highly worth and more valuable then anything! So in conclusion, Be the person that GOD created you to be, and Don't let peoples attitudes and favoritisms dicatate your calling! He already chose you, and He already picked you! Just focus on Who and What GOD wants you to be and the rest will fall into place!

Acceptance

Why Am I always trying to strive to fitting in? When I already fit into God's kingdom, and He already accepted me? He doesn't care the kind of clothes and the way i do my hair or my ministry that I am, SO why am i so wanting to feel others acceptance? then in the long run getting hurt by them? I know the Bible says that I have been called by HIS name, I have been redeemed by HIM, and That I am HIS special chosen, That I belong to HIM, That I don't have to strive to fit into HIM he already loved me in the very beginning! I know we all long for that fellowship with others and we long to fit in, But i Have come to the realization that I have not been put in this world to fit in, I am here to stand out and Shine out for HIM, and that, I don't need to waste my time on those that are seriously into there selves and wanting to be popular, When all along i already was, GOD already sees me as who I was meant to be, And that is HIS special chosen, and that I am going to reach those that have felt the rejection and hurt and pain, That I am and have gone thru! I am HIS and that will never change, HE loves me unconditionally, and He will never leave my side, esp. when things get bad, or rocky! HE will always be there to catch me when I fall! I don't need a friend who just wants it to put stipulations on the friendship and I don't need someone to say well i will only be there as long as.....GOD is always there and will never ever put stipulations on our relationship, THATS not who HE is! HE loves unconditionally even when at times I don't deserve it, I know I am a big BRAT, but He chose me and He is using me! I have had friends who said that they would never go anywhere, but really they would say I would be there when it was convienent for them and when they weren't around there cliq, then I would be good enough to talk to, But GOD not once would do that, HE was and always there, to fellowship with and to talk with, and He is always guiding me and directing me! I never have to worry about that! I never have to feel abandoned when I am with HIM, He knows my heart and hears my pain and my loneliness, He's always around! It breaks my heart to see others go thru this, but I know that thru all this, I can say I know a person who will never be any of those, And that is GOD, HE sent His son to the Earth to feel all that, and HE never once gave up hope on any of us, HE loved us so much that HE died on the Cross so we can be redeemed by HIM! SO it is that very reason, THAT i haven't ever turned my back on GOD, because HE has been by my side thru thick and Thin and loved me no matter where and who and what I have done and came from! I am HIS daughter and HE loves me so much! ITS an overwhelming love that I just want to share with others! So when you feel alone, Just know that there is a GOD who would do anything for you, His son already paid your ransome, Never give up hope because HE's just waiting for you to call out to HIM!!! If I can go thru a an abused childhood,divorced home, rejection, hurt and still turn to GOD, then I know you can to!

God's Grace

I know that God is taking me on a New Journey, but sometimes I wonder if I am to step aside certain situations or what He's wanting me to do, I know its awesome, Each day is a new day, I know His mercies are new every day, I know that I am learning each step of the way, Lately I have been pulling myself away from certain people, Not sure what is going on, But I know that GOD does, i know there are things He is trying to work out in me, I know that in order for me to grow, He wants me to step aside and do the work He needs to do, BUT why is it so hard to let him? When He is the master of all things! So Why is it so Hard for me to trust in Him? I know in my heart that some things are changing, i sense things, Its all so overwhelmingly fast, But I know that the outcome is going to be AMAZING, But for now I guess I am to just ride the wave and just enjoy the ride! I need His Grace to just get through every day, I have no idea sometimes on what I am doing half the time, but i guess thats the wonder of it all! That He knows, And that He is carrying me day by day to where I am supposed to go! My heart is so heavy and I want to cry, but no tears! Father what are you doing to me on the inside! I was reading in the bible that I am on a race and that there are earthly prizes, But my prize will last me forever, and that is my Heavenly Prize, I know I am not here to please people only My GOD, so Why am I so wanting to please people, Why I always looking for acceptance, When He's already accepted me already the day He sent His son to the cross for me? SO Father Please help not to focus on being a people pleaser but being Jesus Pleaser! Lord tomorrow when I rise up, I pray that you will just guide me, and that you will show me how to live my every day life for you! I don't want to hinder your progress in me! I hand it all over to you, Teach and show me Forgiveness to those who have hurt me or who have brought any offenses to me, But also help to protect myself but in love from those who have hurt me! I Peter 5:8 Be self controlled and alert, your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for some one to devour, Resist him standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are under going the same kind of sufferings! 2 Timothy 4:7 I have fought the good fight I have finished the race I have Kept THE FAITH. now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day and only to me, but also to all who longed for his appearing! God i have fought a fight, But I know this race isn't finished, i don't want to give up, i want to keep fighting until i can't fight no more! Father give me strength in this battle to get to my goal and my prize! I am asking for you Grace and Mercy I know that I don't deserve, Each new day has its challenges, So I am asking for you help! i am asking for Patience,self control and mercy and love to those that I feel that don't deserve it, but I want to love like you do for me!

Fitting IN

God why is it so hard for me to just learn to be content in what you are and what you do for me? And no worry about fitting in withothers? God I just want to be with you, you alone can satisfy me, No man or thing in this world is what satisfies me, Father just help me to know that no matter where I am who i am with You are always standing near me, and that you care for me and love me unconditionally!I long to just be loved and accepted and right now I think that only you can do that, Forgive me for letting my selfish ambitions get in the way and for always wanting what I want, My desires are left in your hands, Father what ever you will, I want, Father just help me to lean on you and not just when things are bad but every day of my life, I know your teaching me things and showing me what I need to sacrifice and what I need to do change! Forgive me for not putting my full trust in you! God you are worthy and I can't even imagine my life with out you, I am so happy to have a Father and God like you, You are more then enough, thank you for always hearing me and answering my prayers, and taking care of me, Thank yous aren't even enough to begin to show my appreciation for you! I just want you and I am desperate for your, I am lost with out, I am seriously besides myself, I don't know what I would do if i never asked you in my life! thanks for always being there!

Sacrifices

Lord is this what you felt like when you sacrificed yourself for me and others? Because its hurting me so badly, Why does this hurt so much? What is your trying to do in me? I just want to be one with you, i want to have a heart more like yours, I don't want to focus on the things around me that is taking me from you, I want to live for you, i want to remain in your arms and under your will, I don't want the things of this world to take from me what you have instilled in me, I want to know that my desires you have instilled in me are in your care, I don't want to deal with it anymore, i want to hand it over to you, Knowing that you know what your doing, HELP ME TO TRUST!!! not only you, but others, I want that so bad, I want my friendships to feel secure and not have anything to worry about. I want to know that those you put in my life are there as an encourager and not a downer I want to be free from this, I don't want to focus on the things I can't control, i want to hand them over to you, i want my life to be a reflection of who you are and what your doing in my life. I want to show others that I can give things over for you, that I can have my whole heart open to you, and that your will for me is good, that My will isn't for me, but its what you have in store for me, I want to feel peaceful and have a sense of joy and happiness! i want to be fully dependant on your love and mercy for me! i love that your always there, when I HAVE NO ONE ELSE that I can always turn to you! and you haven't left me for one sec!

The power of Your love, by Misty Edwards

God you are Great

How Great are you Oh Father, God Your greater then the earthly things, your greater then the materialistic things, I give you all of me and I am not holding nothing back, I love your faithfulness towards me and I love that you love me unconditionally, your definately worthy of my praise, I can't contain the love i have for you, I can't even begin to express how Much I love you. I can't even fathom the multitude of your love for me, Your name is Majestic, Your name is Jehovah Jireh, my provider, Your my protector my lover, My best friend, Your worthy of all i am, I am so thankful that you take me as I am, I am so thankful that you are working on me and beginning a new change in me, Your surrounding me even now, I am so thankful for being able to just sit at your throne and just bask in your presence, I just want to stay here, I don't want to move, I just want to look in those beautiful eyes and hear that heart beat, I just want to be poured out on, GOD i just want you and nothing else, I just want a dumping of a heaping of your annointing I don't know what your doing in me, BUT its like i just feel content, I don't want to be content I want to be more then content i want all and more and more, Father, Set me on fire, set my heart ablaze for you!