Emotions

My partner in crime.

Why do we always let our emotions get the best of us? Why can't we just go on with life without all the emotional baggage that we tend to carry around with us?

That is a great question. I know that God wired us all differently when we handle certain situations and how we go about expressing ourselves is another thing.

So with what is going on with Dale and his arm injury, it has taken a toll on me. He feels worthless, like he's a burden. I keep reminding him that HE'S not one. That this is what God would have wanted me to do. 

So I tend to try and keep everything all together, and pretend that everything is fine. But in the long run it's not. I am human and I make plenty of mistakes. My poor best friend. I can't believe she's still with me. If I were her and I would have left me a long time ago. But she hasn't not yet.

I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting to mess up one more time then BAM!!! No more, because she can't handle my stress. I am trying to learn to compartmentalize things. 

You ask HOW AM I DOING on that? I would say FAIL, FAIL, FAIL every time.

I am also thankful for new friendships, she's a sweet one. We have only known each other less than a month. She too is there for me as well. Feels weird but great at the same time.

Learning to branch out and trust others that don't nothing about me and my past, emotional drama. There are like a certain few I can be myself around. Some others tend to judge me based on my weirdness. BAHAHAH.

But with that being said. Our emotions are OK, but we can't just sit in them and wallow when we feel discouraged, rejected, depressed, hurt or even angry. We need to learn to look up to the one who knows our heart the most.

He is the one who can bring the closeness, healing and comforts to us. ME INCLUDED. I am saying this for myself. Because I tend to have more and more emotional breakdowns. Trying to I guess do things on my own strength and not realizing that God hasn't gone anywhere, HE'S just waiting for me to HAND over the reigns once again to him.

I lost count on how many times I am having to hand them over. I just know HE'S not once left me, WITH my flaws and all. He loves me so much that he's going to be there, holding me till I can be put down and walk and he walk besides me. 

In his eyes, I am flawless, I am worthy of his love, I blameless, I am free from all the condemnation, judgment and rejection. Yes its good to have fellowship with others. But lately I am trying to protect my heart. God is the one that can fill any void I may have. I long to be accepted. That I tend to compare myself with others and their journey toward a great friendship, then I get jealous when I thought we were close then I see them growing closer. 

Something I dislike very much. MY MIND tends to play games, tries to convince me otherwise that I am better off alone.

God you are faithful beyond words, You are ALWAYS there for me, taking care and providing for our needs. I am so thankful for an amazing father who tends to his sheep.

Lord beyond my flaws, I am asking that you make me more and more like you. Help my emotions to be in tact, Help me to know fully and clearly that YOU are SOVEREIGN and that with YOU I CAN DO ALL THINGS. 

Psalms 91

You have me hidden under your wings, You are protecting me and watching over me. Nothing can come near when I am under your protection.

You are amazing, 

Jesus is going to be getting the REIGNS back AGaIN.

Somethings are not in our control....

God I am your daughter and chosen!!

As I am sitting here and pondering things. I am reminded that I serve an amazing God.

Right now we are going through a lot of things and I know that God's word says in Philippians 4:13 that we CAN do ALL things Through Christ who Gives us strength.

I am still recovering from being sick and trying to get back on schedule with work, not to mention vehicle drama and now my poor husbands injured shoulder.

I know that God has destined me to be a nurturer and I wouldn't give it up. But there are days when I am feeling exhausted and just want to crawl in a hole and sleep. But I know that I can't. I have been serving my husband and taking care of his needs while he's not able to.

I learn from the best. My grandma did that for years with my Grandpa and she not once complained, she was the best caretaker, Maybe that was why I wanted to be a caregiver was because I had the best role model growing up. Not to mention my mom was always there too. Never complained or wished she could take the day off.

We as wives never get a day off. Right now we are in the for sickness or health part. Yes there are trying times where I just want to say FORGET IT, but then I remember my Heavenly Father not once has done that with me.

I know that my strength doesn't come from no other than Christ. I find great joy taking care and loving on others.

I was told once that I have the biggest heart and that TO NOT change. Because that is one of the best things about me. I care about people. Like Jesus does. If that means I am being more and more like him. Then I must be doing something right.

Word of Wisdom. YOUR not ALONE. Don't GIVE UP!!!

No Room This is a sweet song. Kind of where I am walking and the lyrics is pretty much on where I am with God. Listen to it. You will find encouragement in it.

Anxiety is terrible but with God I am an Overcomer

   For along time as far as back as I can remember I have always had anxiety. Never really got help, thought that I was too weak and that I could handle and control it.

I however apparently didn't do a good enough job of it. Some of you who don't suffer from it awesomeness. But I really didn't have it that bad up till recently. We had followed what we thought was God's leading to Texas to be Youth Pastor's to an amazing church whom I miss to this very day.

Leading up to that point ya my anxiety was at an all time high reasons are:

• Our place never sold
• Riding in a Budget Truck for over 20+ hours with two dogs, Micah and no room to spare.
• Leaving what was comfortable and routine to somewhere we have never been. Giving up our jobs, families, church, school, friends...You name it.
• Getting settled in a different place, trying to figure out where things were and getting used to the life styles there.

I thought it was normal to feel like that. But I did realize when things happened with others it got worse, and didn't have health insurance and couldn't afford the meds. NO free clinics.

What happened to cause it to REALLY raise high. We attended a Youth Camp with some of the youth and some of the students were not happy with the accommodations or the staff. We tried to make it less stressful as we could but we were doing something right.

It got back to the parents and pretty much in their eyes we weren't fit to be youth pastors. There had been talk that we were brought down to soon. We had grown attached to the students and the families there. Finding out that after only 10 months of being there that it wasn't working out and we had to move back.

Add MORE anxiety and stress. So we packed up and we were on our way back. But the thing was we couldn't move right back into our old place because of the damage and destruction that had taken place with residents that were living here. NO they didn't pay a deposit. BIG MISTAKE my sweet sister and her family put us up for however long we needed. THEY didn't complain it was nice that we were there.

MORE anxiety and stress. But we finally got our home back. I am not proud of this. But while in Texas beings I tried to get jobs NOT one hired me so we were pretty much pinching pennies and trying to make our living some what accessible. So I applied for the benefits and apparently I had made a goof up and it took them a YEAR to get into contact with me.

So a DHS investigator said I lied on my phone interview and on the application. Of course I go into panic mode and had asked if I was going to JAIL. Of course she wasn't going to say anything. She just said I can't tell you that. So then BAM!!!!!!! My ANXIETY(fear) decided to hold me prisoner for over a year.

But I went to see a specialist and for awhile I was pretty much trying to read as much scripture, encouraging things on FB to try and find some reassurance NOTHING seemed to be working. Even after being told numerous times that IT WASN'T going to happen.

Skip to present day:
I look back and YES I was a mess, I am still trying to overcome this part of my life. My friends have been a big support for me and have always been there trying to help me move forward. My husband has been such a trooper and I am super happy that he's stuck by me. My relationship with God has gone to a whole new level. Still trying to get more closer. Sometimes there are distractions but I know that God is always there. HE'S what has gotten me through my darkest moments.

I have some new verses that I love now. Isaiah 43:18
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. 19) I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

This verse had gotten me through a lot during that time.
Romans 8:28
I am assured that ALL things are working together for my good.

Psalm 36:7
How priceless is your unfailing love, OH GOD!!!!! People take refuge in the shadow of your wings.

That's just a few of the verses there are others that I have written down. But God has been through my deepest moments, HE foresaw this and yet he still remained by my side each moment.

The Footprints in the sand is what gets me every time. Because it hits home to me.
I just want to leave you with this. WE all have our issues and things we need to overcome. Just know YOU don't have to do it alone. You have GOD. Also get a mentor or accountability partner they will be there to encourage with you and pray with you.

God bless. I hope this has touched you some how and maybe you can share with your friends. God is all powerful and Almighty. His promises are yes and amen. HE WILL NEVER LEAVE NOR FORSAKE you.

Being a Mother

Being a mother isn't always an easy thing. If I look back to when I became a mother I would say that I can do this. I still can. But now that our son is almost 13 I am like. Can't I go back to when he was a baby?

I have noticed a lot of personality from him and sometimes its enjoying to see him become his own person. But like today I had to play the MEAN MOM card.

On our way home from church a kid from church was being a bit ornery to Micah I didn't this out to later that he wasn't being very nice to him. At the time I didn't know what  and why he was not responding and being very disrespectful. I was just making normal conversation and HE didn't want to have anything to do with me.

His dad finally said "Your MOTHER IS talking to you." He's like I HAVE RIGHTS and I DON'T want to answer. SO the whole way home I finally said FINE, You can lose privileges for being disrespectful. 

SO I played the MEAN MOM took away his lifelines. TV and TABLET. Now don't get me wrong HE'S a good kid. Just needs some redirecting from time to time. SO do we as adults and Christians.

IN church we are learning to TRUST and rely more on GOD and that we are NEVER ALONE. As we age we feel like we are at times.

Even if we have mentors or special friends. OUR lives get busy and sometimes we forget about the ones we love.

I know that GOD will never ever forget about us. Jeremiah 29:11 is an amazing verse I always go back to, because it talks about how God knows the plans he has for us. To give us a hope and a future.

I am so thankful for an amazing Father who wants nothing more than to be close to me and I have to remember I AM NOT PERFECT. I can't always have it all together.

Things have been changing a lot for me this past year and I see that the hand of GOD has always and always will be in and on my life. I just need to trust him and those that he puts in my life.

I love being a mother to an amazing soon to be teenager. I am learning to be patient and offer more grace each day. Does that mean I should give in and let him have his things back even when he needs to learn to communicate without the attitudes and this ITS MY RIGHT thing?

I do offer him grace and I also love him enough to discipline and raise him the way God would like me too.

SO if you are reading this, KNOW that you are not a failure and know that no matter what your facing. JESUS loves you and always want to be near his children and will always be there to offer you that same grace and forgiveness. NOTHING and NO ONE will take him and his love from  you.

Judgements

Do you ever have the feeling that your being judged by others? Or feeling small?

Well I have, and still am. Its like no matter how hard I try to be myself, I am ridiculed or judged on how I am doing things. I believe I am old enough to make my own decisions, I am not stupid, so stop treating me like I am. I am not perfect and sometimes I may say or do things that I don't mean to. YES, I may from time to time stick my foot in my mouth (not literally speaking). I tried to apologize and you making me feel smaller than I already am, ISN'T helping. I already don't feel like I have a place in the ministry and having someone tell me what to do, or having others making me feel more like crap isn't helping either. I know I have a long ways to go in changing, but I am not going to change over night. Can't wait to have just a moment to myself where I can let God in and just let him love on me, I thought church was supposed to be a safe place. I feel as though its a place of cliques, favortisms and ignorance. I sometimes feel discouraged, wondering if I am even supposed to be in the ministry I am in. I just don't know where I belong anymore! God please speak to my hurt heart and just give me wisdom in the next step of my life.

Marriage is a Sacred Union

When I say that marriage is a sacred union, I mean it be between a man and a woman. I have experienced my shares of let downs of having high expectations in my marriage. How I should be treated or how things should go. It wasn't until Pastor Larry's sermons on conflict that it brought it to my attention that I won't have that perfect marriage, and a lot of us don't. The thing that is important is that we include God in our marriage ALWAYS....I am going to get transparent here, I have come from a broken home, and seeing my parents never get along and seeing my mother always cry and hide and push away those that love her, did something to me. I have noticed that when I am hurt I tend to do the same thing. My husband and I have been married will be 13 years this August and we have been through our shares of fights, disagreements, sorrows, happiness, laughter, adventures and many other experiences. God has something major in store for not only he and I, for Micah as well. Sometimes the things that set us off are petty things, well Monday we had a disagreement on how to punish our son for his behavior in school, it could have been dealt with in a calm matter but there were voices raised and luckily Micah was outside when all this was taken place. I don't say this to brag about our fight, I say this because the enemy tried to divide our family and break that cord that is being held together by God and the enemy doesn't want us to succeed and he's not happy that we have some awesome things in store. It wasn't until that night late that I realized that it is what it was. An attack. 
       I want to encourage married couples out there to be on guard, because God has something for all of us and he wants us to be happy, the enemy clearly doesn't, why do you think he's' trying so hard to bring destruction? Because he doesn't want us to go forward into the kingdom. The thing that ticked me off about this, was that our son who's nine was being used as the pawn and I didn't realize that till a dear friend pointed that out to me today. That was when I figured you know what, I am not going to give the enemy that kind of satisfaction, So I texted my husband and apologized even though I didn't feel I was wrong, I want there to be peace in our home, I am getting tired of allowing the enemy to win.
   My point to all this is to pray, don't give up, NO Matter what, now if your in a dangerous marriage or situation then you need to get out. But I am talking about those that are going through a spiritual war/fight, its not us that we are fighting with, its the darkness that we have some how managed to allow in our lives. I want to encourage you that, it will get better, I know that it won't be over night, but I know with prayer and support from others, it will. I just don't want to have a marriage like my parents had. I want our son to feel safe and secure and not have to grow up wondering if his mommy or daddy are going to fight, or leave and never come back. THAT will never happen, for a few days yes, but not to the point where we aren't going to be here. It is ok to get out and clear your heads, its not ok to leave without explanation, when all said and done, There needs to be forgiveness. My motto is if God could send his son down here to be beaten, flogged and mocked and then die for me and my sins. Then I can forgive, God gives me grace EVERY single day, Especially when I don't deserve it. That is why God loves us, James 4:6 says "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." It's in our humility that he gives us grace. I will admit, I am very prideful in areas. I don't want to be, i want to be humble and say no matter what God I want to always do the right thing. Forgiveness and Grace are two factors in a marriage. Don't EVER EVER go to bed upset or angry, I want to tell from experience it doesn't feel well waking up and feeling remorseful and upset. I am one to admit I tend to hang onto grudges, I am doing better at that. I want to be who God designed me to be and that is a forgiving person and a person who can offer grace no matter the circumstances.

The Light of Jesus will pierce the Darkness

I am sitting  here reading God's word and a lot of what I am reading is lining  up with what's going on around us. I didn't know how to blog or write this, but I chose to say The Light of Jesus will pierce the darkness. You read many times in the bible the light and how God will pierce through the darkness. We as a nation are surrounded by it, WE don't have to be. WE as Christians need to stand up and pray and intercede, the enemy is trying SO hard to rear his ugly head, but I know the truth, I k now that in the end he's lost and already has, God has already defeated him. I was reading today, that we can't be listening to false preachings and those who are trying to say other things that AREN'T God breathed. We need to be alert and aware even more then before. Now is the time to stand up and take back what is rightfully ours and that is God's inheritance WE are God's INHERITANCE. So many times we have forgotten that and have allowed the worldly things get in our way of that. We need to not be complacent with this world. I have said it before and I am going to say it again, THIS WORLD IS NOT OUR HOME. We are just visitors and we need to focus on the real purpose we are here. I must admit my flesh has been getting in the way of the real reason I am here. I am here to serve my Father and to teach my son that same thing. But the thing with him is HE already knew that. I was in Aldi's the other day with his father doing our grocery shopping and we were talking about how much things are and he brought up the subject you can't sell me, I SAID UH NOPE, You are priceless. He said that no one will buy me, he said that Jesus already has, or something like he is already Jesus's. You have no idea on how that warms me up inside to hear my son say that He belongs to Jesus. That right there is what God wants to hear from us. He wants to hear his children say that, he wants to hear us say that and not be ashamed or foolish. Heck yes I will admitt, I am not perfect I sometimes feel stupid for saying stuff like that, But My son isn't ashamed or to proud to say it. HE KNOWS where he came from. That is God's inheritance. God just wants us to show him that we aren't to proud to proclaim him and love him. I was reminded in a prayer group that GOD IS A JEALOUS GOD, He wants more and more and more of us, He wants us to stop letting things get in the way of his love and wants us to spend time with him. I figure if he can give us free will, I will CHOOSE him. WHY wouldn't I? AFTER all he's done for me and my family, I can't think of a better way to say thank you. He wants us to show him that we really really want him, HE wants his bride all for himself. He isn't all about sharing, we have allowed the things of this world take the place of his love and his time. WE need to always be praying, interceding and spending time with him. He longs for us, he wants that. He doesn't want us to wander off and let things that aren't good for us to invade his territory ;) No but in all reality He just wants us. He accepted us with ALL flaws, He's not going to say, nope sorry your broken, nope you have issues. NO HE already took care of that the day his son went to the cross. YES we are human, but God is always working in each of us if we just let him. I am not going to lie, IT'S not going to easy, but then did he ever say it would be? WHO ARE YOU GOING TO SERVE? MAN OR GOD? I am proclaiming right now I AM GOING TO SERVE GOD. Because I know where I am going to spend the rest of my life after this life is done.