Emotions

My partner in crime.

Why do we always let our emotions get the best of us? Why can't we just go on with life without all the emotional baggage that we tend to carry around with us?

That is a great question. I know that God wired us all differently when we handle certain situations and how we go about expressing ourselves is another thing.

So with what is going on with Dale and his arm injury, it has taken a toll on me. He feels worthless, like he's a burden. I keep reminding him that HE'S not one. That this is what God would have wanted me to do. 

So I tend to try and keep everything all together, and pretend that everything is fine. But in the long run it's not. I am human and I make plenty of mistakes. My poor best friend. I can't believe she's still with me. If I were her and I would have left me a long time ago. But she hasn't not yet.

I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting to mess up one more time then BAM!!! No more, because she can't handle my stress. I am trying to learn to compartmentalize things. 

You ask HOW AM I DOING on that? I would say FAIL, FAIL, FAIL every time.

I am also thankful for new friendships, she's a sweet one. We have only known each other less than a month. She too is there for me as well. Feels weird but great at the same time.

Learning to branch out and trust others that don't nothing about me and my past, emotional drama. There are like a certain few I can be myself around. Some others tend to judge me based on my weirdness. BAHAHAH.

But with that being said. Our emotions are OK, but we can't just sit in them and wallow when we feel discouraged, rejected, depressed, hurt or even angry. We need to learn to look up to the one who knows our heart the most.

He is the one who can bring the closeness, healing and comforts to us. ME INCLUDED. I am saying this for myself. Because I tend to have more and more emotional breakdowns. Trying to I guess do things on my own strength and not realizing that God hasn't gone anywhere, HE'S just waiting for me to HAND over the reigns once again to him.

I lost count on how many times I am having to hand them over. I just know HE'S not once left me, WITH my flaws and all. He loves me so much that he's going to be there, holding me till I can be put down and walk and he walk besides me. 

In his eyes, I am flawless, I am worthy of his love, I blameless, I am free from all the condemnation, judgment and rejection. Yes its good to have fellowship with others. But lately I am trying to protect my heart. God is the one that can fill any void I may have. I long to be accepted. That I tend to compare myself with others and their journey toward a great friendship, then I get jealous when I thought we were close then I see them growing closer. 

Something I dislike very much. MY MIND tends to play games, tries to convince me otherwise that I am better off alone.

God you are faithful beyond words, You are ALWAYS there for me, taking care and providing for our needs. I am so thankful for an amazing father who tends to his sheep.

Lord beyond my flaws, I am asking that you make me more and more like you. Help my emotions to be in tact, Help me to know fully and clearly that YOU are SOVEREIGN and that with YOU I CAN DO ALL THINGS. 

Psalms 91

You have me hidden under your wings, You are protecting me and watching over me. Nothing can come near when I am under your protection.

You are amazing, 

Jesus is going to be getting the REIGNS back AGaIN.

Somethings are not in our control....

God I am your daughter and chosen!!

As I am sitting here and pondering things. I am reminded that I serve an amazing God.

Right now we are going through a lot of things and I know that God's word says in Philippians 4:13 that we CAN do ALL things Through Christ who Gives us strength.

I am still recovering from being sick and trying to get back on schedule with work, not to mention vehicle drama and now my poor husbands injured shoulder.

I know that God has destined me to be a nurturer and I wouldn't give it up. But there are days when I am feeling exhausted and just want to crawl in a hole and sleep. But I know that I can't. I have been serving my husband and taking care of his needs while he's not able to.

I learn from the best. My grandma did that for years with my Grandpa and she not once complained, she was the best caretaker, Maybe that was why I wanted to be a caregiver was because I had the best role model growing up. Not to mention my mom was always there too. Never complained or wished she could take the day off.

We as wives never get a day off. Right now we are in the for sickness or health part. Yes there are trying times where I just want to say FORGET IT, but then I remember my Heavenly Father not once has done that with me.

I know that my strength doesn't come from no other than Christ. I find great joy taking care and loving on others.

I was told once that I have the biggest heart and that TO NOT change. Because that is one of the best things about me. I care about people. Like Jesus does. If that means I am being more and more like him. Then I must be doing something right.

Word of Wisdom. YOUR not ALONE. Don't GIVE UP!!!

No Room This is a sweet song. Kind of where I am walking and the lyrics is pretty much on where I am with God. Listen to it. You will find encouragement in it.

Anxiety is terrible but with God I am an Overcomer

   For along time as far as back as I can remember I have always had anxiety. Never really got help, thought that I was too weak and that I could handle and control it.

I however apparently didn't do a good enough job of it. Some of you who don't suffer from it awesomeness. But I really didn't have it that bad up till recently. We had followed what we thought was God's leading to Texas to be Youth Pastor's to an amazing church whom I miss to this very day.

Leading up to that point ya my anxiety was at an all time high reasons are:

• Our place never sold
• Riding in a Budget Truck for over 20+ hours with two dogs, Micah and no room to spare.
• Leaving what was comfortable and routine to somewhere we have never been. Giving up our jobs, families, church, school, friends...You name it.
• Getting settled in a different place, trying to figure out where things were and getting used to the life styles there.

I thought it was normal to feel like that. But I did realize when things happened with others it got worse, and didn't have health insurance and couldn't afford the meds. NO free clinics.

What happened to cause it to REALLY raise high. We attended a Youth Camp with some of the youth and some of the students were not happy with the accommodations or the staff. We tried to make it less stressful as we could but we were doing something right.

It got back to the parents and pretty much in their eyes we weren't fit to be youth pastors. There had been talk that we were brought down to soon. We had grown attached to the students and the families there. Finding out that after only 10 months of being there that it wasn't working out and we had to move back.

Add MORE anxiety and stress. So we packed up and we were on our way back. But the thing was we couldn't move right back into our old place because of the damage and destruction that had taken place with residents that were living here. NO they didn't pay a deposit. BIG MISTAKE my sweet sister and her family put us up for however long we needed. THEY didn't complain it was nice that we were there.

MORE anxiety and stress. But we finally got our home back. I am not proud of this. But while in Texas beings I tried to get jobs NOT one hired me so we were pretty much pinching pennies and trying to make our living some what accessible. So I applied for the benefits and apparently I had made a goof up and it took them a YEAR to get into contact with me.

So a DHS investigator said I lied on my phone interview and on the application. Of course I go into panic mode and had asked if I was going to JAIL. Of course she wasn't going to say anything. She just said I can't tell you that. So then BAM!!!!!!! My ANXIETY(fear) decided to hold me prisoner for over a year.

But I went to see a specialist and for awhile I was pretty much trying to read as much scripture, encouraging things on FB to try and find some reassurance NOTHING seemed to be working. Even after being told numerous times that IT WASN'T going to happen.

Skip to present day:
I look back and YES I was a mess, I am still trying to overcome this part of my life. My friends have been a big support for me and have always been there trying to help me move forward. My husband has been such a trooper and I am super happy that he's stuck by me. My relationship with God has gone to a whole new level. Still trying to get more closer. Sometimes there are distractions but I know that God is always there. HE'S what has gotten me through my darkest moments.

I have some new verses that I love now. Isaiah 43:18
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. 19) I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

This verse had gotten me through a lot during that time.
Romans 8:28
I am assured that ALL things are working together for my good.

Psalm 36:7
How priceless is your unfailing love, OH GOD!!!!! People take refuge in the shadow of your wings.

That's just a few of the verses there are others that I have written down. But God has been through my deepest moments, HE foresaw this and yet he still remained by my side each moment.

The Footprints in the sand is what gets me every time. Because it hits home to me.
I just want to leave you with this. WE all have our issues and things we need to overcome. Just know YOU don't have to do it alone. You have GOD. Also get a mentor or accountability partner they will be there to encourage with you and pray with you.

God bless. I hope this has touched you some how and maybe you can share with your friends. God is all powerful and Almighty. His promises are yes and amen. HE WILL NEVER LEAVE NOR FORSAKE you.

Being a Mother

Being a mother isn't always an easy thing. If I look back to when I became a mother I would say that I can do this. I still can. But now that our son is almost 13 I am like. Can't I go back to when he was a baby?

I have noticed a lot of personality from him and sometimes its enjoying to see him become his own person. But like today I had to play the MEAN MOM card.

On our way home from church a kid from church was being a bit ornery to Micah I didn't this out to later that he wasn't being very nice to him. At the time I didn't know what  and why he was not responding and being very disrespectful. I was just making normal conversation and HE didn't want to have anything to do with me.

His dad finally said "Your MOTHER IS talking to you." He's like I HAVE RIGHTS and I DON'T want to answer. SO the whole way home I finally said FINE, You can lose privileges for being disrespectful. 

SO I played the MEAN MOM took away his lifelines. TV and TABLET. Now don't get me wrong HE'S a good kid. Just needs some redirecting from time to time. SO do we as adults and Christians.

IN church we are learning to TRUST and rely more on GOD and that we are NEVER ALONE. As we age we feel like we are at times.

Even if we have mentors or special friends. OUR lives get busy and sometimes we forget about the ones we love.

I know that GOD will never ever forget about us. Jeremiah 29:11 is an amazing verse I always go back to, because it talks about how God knows the plans he has for us. To give us a hope and a future.

I am so thankful for an amazing Father who wants nothing more than to be close to me and I have to remember I AM NOT PERFECT. I can't always have it all together.

Things have been changing a lot for me this past year and I see that the hand of GOD has always and always will be in and on my life. I just need to trust him and those that he puts in my life.

I love being a mother to an amazing soon to be teenager. I am learning to be patient and offer more grace each day. Does that mean I should give in and let him have his things back even when he needs to learn to communicate without the attitudes and this ITS MY RIGHT thing?

I do offer him grace and I also love him enough to discipline and raise him the way God would like me too.

SO if you are reading this, KNOW that you are not a failure and know that no matter what your facing. JESUS loves you and always want to be near his children and will always be there to offer you that same grace and forgiveness. NOTHING and NO ONE will take him and his love from  you.